Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.