Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes