@PaperWash: wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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@WheelTod: [In Club] *slides up to girl on dance floor "This is my jam" *hands her a jar "I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more..."
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god
@perlapell: My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.