@PaperWash: wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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@QwertyJones3: I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
@LMFOFL: If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
@TheCatWhisprer: Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are "too mainstream."
@clindsaysway: Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad