wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.