Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.