Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
welp
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.