Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.