@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
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@ixix82: By 33, you'd think I'd have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
@Merman_Melville: Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can't it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
@vikkaroni: When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn't mean I love them. It means I love me too.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop