@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "This new flavour of Pringles is horrible." Wife: "You're eating a tube of tennis balls."
@david8hughes: [in class] Me: hey, can I borrow a pen? Guy: sure, black or blue? Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@devc0ol: Green tea reduces weight* *Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.