HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.