Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
You Might Also Like
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.