* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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@funTweeters
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
and now we wait
Why am I like this?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.