Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.