ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Why is this me 😫
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…