Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Simple
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Pigeon open mic night.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
SF is the wild wild west man
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.