Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I unironically love this joke.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
first you must answer his riddles
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler