Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
2 years later
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.