Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
This made me chuckle.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
What a website
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*