My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
This is my pinned tweet
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right