@emmaberen: with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen
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@iwearaonesie: *makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*
@mrjohndarby: Father in law: How are you preparing for the future? Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
@PORNOPINION: Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, "there's plenty more married men out there."
@NeinQuarterly: Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.