@MelvinofYork: My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try

@AnOrangeSNES: My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that's the strongest password I can think of.

@Derpey: Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

@Dawn_M_: I'll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.