Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
#parenting
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Lmao 🤣
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”