With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
You Might Also Like
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
my first dose meeting my second