With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Tough love is true love
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.