With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.