with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog