astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.