With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes