With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
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Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”