my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”