With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.