@baconNmeggs: With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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@gurl_sour: My autocorrect changes c**ts to China. Hey don't blame me. I'm not the racist code programmer.
@InternetHippo: ME: *falls in love only w/ people who are mean to me* Why does this keep happening [flashback] GOD: *points to me* Make that one an idiot
@Vodkantots: Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she's not yelling. -my kids, watching me sleep
@jenstatsky: A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it's on his ring finger, he's married. If it's not, he's a guy who wears rings.