With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
why I oughta