With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
can I use a minion as a tampon
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.