With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Not even remotely sorry.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”