@LittleMissZesty: With me, it's not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It's half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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@LackOfShame: [text from friend) Her: You doing okay? Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
@maisonwithapen: ME: hey guys what's the herps? HIM: u mean haps? M: oh, haha yea. what's the itch?—I mean sitch H: uh M: hows it herpin? H: M: I have herpes
@yonewt: I know someone who puts raisins in meatballs so don't even try to talk to me about psychos
@dafloydsta: [therapy] "Where does your fear of spiders come from?" *flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees* They're just creepy okay