With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.