With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!