@1followernodad: I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it's so honest

@KatieBurnett: Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

@AnkCoupleTO: [skating together on a frozen pond] Her: Isn't this romantic? Me: *sees a 'danger thin ice' sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

@DothTheDoth: I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@mudpaperscissor: Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?