@sosexuaI: gf: come over me: i'm coming over gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

@david8hughes: [police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a grey Me: ... My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?

@treywafer: Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

@Ideal_Victoria: [during sex] Him: it'd be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*