With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
No laws when master is gone
Nose
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!