the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way