I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Rooting for the overdog
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Tough love is true love
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Green is just blue that someone peed in
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.