On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?