Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
THIS HEADLINE
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
What a year we’ve had this week.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]