murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.