*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out