@HeyZeus666: With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it's pretty obvious that Americans don't breed well in captivity.
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@EndhooS: [Meeting friends baby] Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he's a big boy isn't he Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds Me: wow that's cheap
@IGotsSmarts: Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough.
@krissywillbretz: A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout "HOLE!" after every chorus of "Glory, Glory, Glory".
@daemonic3: [on date] "I think we should take this a step farther" Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati- *date already left*