Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.