me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Welcome
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
#Caturday
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.