With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You Might Also Like
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?