Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Haha good job!!
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.