With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Namaste
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run