@funnybeachgirl: With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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@3sunzzz: [8am, phone rings] Hotel Desk: Ma'am we're going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning. Me: No worries, I have vodka.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision. Me: OK, what do you need me to do? 5-year-old: Go find Mom.
@djdarrellripley: Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me: