With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Check your privilege
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Not helping
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.