@wittwitbarista: With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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@dafloydsta: [on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
@DothTheDoth: Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
@SortaBad: [Native Americans see ship approach] Let's use fake names lol "Ha! I'll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse" lmao do u think they'll believe us
@hythemafia: *Food hits floor* Little Germs: "Let's get it!" King Germ: "No!!! We must wait 5 seconds......"