With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Erm…
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.