With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
when there are deer in the woods
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.