With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Nice try, poison.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*