With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Easy enough.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰