With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
and now we wait
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.